Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
