Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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