if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
