Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All I want is dick and wine.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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