I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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