I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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