i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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