Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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