Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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