I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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