in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
