He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
