guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My life is pants optional.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
