If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
