I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
