is your mom at the bar?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
