At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
