So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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