I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
