you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
