If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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