You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
