you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
