my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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