So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
