Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My hand turned me down
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
