I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
