I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
