I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
