Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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