Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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