Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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