those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
