Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
