I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
