Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
