Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
