I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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