break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
