I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
