I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
