I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
