I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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