i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
