i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
