I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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