MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
