guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
