My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
