I want to have your abortion
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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