I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
