Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
