im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I am spending my child support on dildos
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
